


addicted to a certain kind of sadness

by amorremanet



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Abuse Apologism, Alternate Universe, Angst, Assault, Background Isaac Lahey & Erica Reyes Friendship, Background Isaac Lahey/Scott McCall, Bad Decisions, Camden Lahey Is Bad At Feelings, Childhood Trauma, Derek Hale is Bad at Feelings, Derek Makes Excuses, Derek is a Failwolf, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fanmix, Feels, Fucked Up, Gentleness, Headcanon, Hurt Camden Lahey, Hurt Derek Hale, Hurt Isaac Lahey, Hurt No Comfort, Inspired by Roleplay/Roleplay Adaptation, M/M, Marijuana, Mental Health Issues, Murder, Music, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Past Child Abuse, Police Misconduct, Psychological Trauma, References to Peter assaulting Lydia, Responsibility, Roleplaying Character, Sheriff Stilinski Is A Bad Cop, Soldiers, Stoner Cam, Stoner Derek, Survival, Team Crackship, Trust Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Universe Alteration, War, Werewolf Disaster, because it's bad and it's wrong and they shouldn't tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-24
Updated: 2014-05-24
Packaged: 2018-01-26 09:44:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1683815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amorremanet/pseuds/amorremanet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>eighteen songs for Derek Hale, Camden Lahey, and this messy, fucked up little thing called love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	addicted to a certain kind of sadness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CharcoalWarden](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=CharcoalWarden), [solvecoagula](https://archiveofourown.org/users/solvecoagula/gifts).



> **content warnings:**  discussion of past abuse (of Cam and Isaac by their father, of Derek by Peter), abuse apologism (by Derek for himself and Peter), assault (of Isaac by Derek, of Scott and Stiles by Derek, and of Lydia by Peter), violence, trauma, mental health issues, references to suicide (of Cam and Isaac’s mother), drug use (marijuana with stoned making out attached), and unhealthy relationships.

> **_rooster_**  (alice in chains) ::  ** _to the moon and back_**  (savage garden) ::  ** _drain you_** (nirvana) ::  ** _find you’re here_**  (wolfsheim) ::  ** _tainted love [gloria jones cover]_** (marilyn manson) ::  ** _sorry seems to be the hardest word_**  (elton john) ::  ** _one of us cannot be wrong_**  (leonard cohen) ::  ** _feel it in my bones_**  (tiesto & tegan and sara) ::  ** _somebody that I used to know [gotye cover]_**  (ingrid michaelson) :: **_need you now [lady antebellum cover]_**  (lea michele & mark salling) ::  ** _diamonds and rust [joan baez cover]_**  (blackmore’s night) ::  ** _tragedy_**  (the bee gees) ::  ** _the chemicals between us_**  (bush) ::  ** _everybody knows_**  (leonard cohen) ::  ** _rolling in the deep [adele cover]_**  (lea michele & jonathan groff) ::  ** _all apologies_**  (nirvana) ::  ** _love will tear us apart [joy division cover]_**  (evelyn evelyn) ::  ** _find you’re gone_** (wolfsheim).

**[[listen](http://8tracks.com/amorremanet/addicted-to-a-certain-kind-of-sadness) / [reblog](http://amorremanet.tumblr.com/post/86723269532/addicted-to-a-certain-kind-of-sadness-a-cam-derek%20target=). ]**

 

 **mixer’s note:**  aside from obviously taking place in an AU where Camden didn’t die in the military, this takes place in a sort of weird fusion of canon and the all human college setting AU that Astrid and I have recently been roleplaying in where… well, the primary focus of things is on Isaac/Scott and their relationship and their issues both as individuals and as a relationship unit? but we’ve also put in work on world-building and fleshing out the other characters and what’s up there…

and one of the points of backstory is that Camden and Derek used to be boyfriends and they both really loved each other but it was kind of a disaster and then Derek broke Isaac’s arm “because Isaac was getting mouthy with him,” and after this happened just… yeah no, Cam wasn’t going to keep dating Derek after that. there were a lot of reasons why they were terrible for each other anyway but… nope. Isaac is the single most important person in Camden’s life and if you hurt him, Cam will hurt you.

and if you hurt him and then spew some gross justifications for it as though this isn’t super abuse apologist of you and as though you get a free pass to do this because your uncle abused you? then yeah, Cam is going to break up with your ass at the very least.

but, well.  **tl;dr point:**  this is a weird mix of canon and au, and you can really read it all both ways since I sort of picked and chose different details from both canon and mine and Astrid’s roleplay AU as needed in the different explanations for the song choices (which were in many cases way longer than I intended them to be). the roleplaying AU was definitely the impetus for making this mix and the context that I had in mind while picking the songs and arranging them and everything, but it got muddled up with canon a bit so.

 

** 1\. rooster — alice in chains. **  
_Ain’t found a way to kill me yet  
Eyes burn with stinging sweat  
Seems every path leads me to nowhere…  
The bullets scream to me from somewhere…  
Got my pills ‘gainst mosquito death  
My buddy’s breathing his dyin’ breath  
Oh, God, please won’t you help me make it through?  
  
Here they come to snuff the rooster  
Yeah here comes the rooster, yeah  
You know he ain’t gonna die._

(Cam & Derek, but mostly Cam, since… like, Derek also gets some of the feels about not dying when everything’s trying to kill you and surviving through impossible odds and constantly feeling threatened? he especially gets these feels with regard to his relationship with Peter and how Peter’s been manipulating and using him for so long that Derek honest to god has no idea what a life without Peter in it would look like, or what he’d be like without Peter in his life, and how Peter’s been chipping away at him for so long but he’s still here.

but the song is ultimately way WAY more for Cam than Derek because it’s really explicitly about military life and the backstory of it is that it’s about Jerry Cantrell’s father’s experiences during the Vietnam War. like, Jerry Cantrell wrote it as a tribute for his father based on Jerry Cantrell Sr.’s stories about his experiences in Vietnam and there are a few lines in the song, like the ones about “pills ‘gainst mosquito death” and similar, that straight up don’t make any sense without the context of it being about Vietnam and about Jerry Cantrell Sr.’s experiences in Vietnam.

and this is all obviously really relevant to Camden with him having gone into the military and being from a military family if you take Daniel Sharman’s Lahey family headcanons into account here [which… I do because they’re sad and I like sad things]. whether or not Edmund Lahey’s military participation was specifically in Vietnam, Operation Desert Storm, or both is sort of just a matter of headcanon, since the math works out for any of those three options to have worked if we use John Wesley Shipp’s age as a baseline for Edmund’s but…

well, the major point here is that it’s for Cam because of the specter of the U.S. military and U.S. military service that hangs with him and haunts the whole Lahey family).

 

** 2\. to the moon and back — savage garden. **  
_She’s taking her time making up the reasons  
To justify all the hurt inside  
Guess she knows from the smile  
and the look in their eyes  
Everyone’s got a theory about the bitter one  
  
They’re saying, “Mamma never loved her much”  
And, “Daddy never keeps in touch  
That’s why she shies away from human affection”  
But somewhere in a private place  
She packs her bags for outer space  
And now she’s waiting for the right kind of pilot to come…  
  
She can’t remember a time when she felt needed  
If love was red then she was colorblind  
All her friends they’ve been tried for treason  
And crimes that were never defined.  
  
She’s saying, “Love is like a barren place,  
And reaching out for human faith is  
Is like a journey I just don’t have a map for”  
So baby’s gonna take a dive and push the shift to overdrive  
Send a signal that she’s hanging all her hopes on the stars._

(Derek about Camden, but it really does go both ways here since they both have super duper fuck off intimacy issues, like? there are intimacy issues and then there’s Derek Hale and Camden Lahey, and both of them probably have a deep genetic aversion to discussing their feelings in a constructive fashion just based on what we’ve seen of the other Hales and Laheys in canon… I mean, Derek is canonically more or less incapable of talking about feelings in a constructive way on his own without it being a family thing? but then Peter and Cora suck at that too, and Talia is not much better, and since Cam is basically an OC with a canon name, there’s a certain degree of inference going on here. anyway, tl;dr point: Derek and Cam suck at feelings.)

 

** 3\. drain you — nirvana. **  
_With eyes so dilated,  
I’ve become your pupil  
You’ve taught me everything  
Without a poison apple  
The water is so yellow,  
I’m a healthy student  
Indebted and so grateful…  
  
Chew your meat for you  
Pass it back and forth  
In a passionate kiss  
From my mouth to yours: I like you._

(Cam to/about Derek.)

 

** 4\. find you’re here — wolfsheim. **  
_When I wake up, I find you’re here  
I should feel joy but I am not even near…  
  
I find you’re here, you’re moving on  
You’re just doing what you want  
And I can’t find it wrong  
I know for sure you would be gone  
You wouldn’t stay with me  
If something better comes along…  
  
I cannot blame you for a thing  
If I would have the chance,  
I’d do the same to you._

(Cam to/about Derek, in which the relationship is sort of starting to lose its luster as all of Derek’s various personality flaws become more and more obvious, and less and less easy to tolerate in the name of getting access to the parts of Derek that Cam likes and even loves rather a lot [not that he will  **say**  that he loves Derek or these parts of Derek because they both epic fail at anything involving feelings but that’s beside the point]. also guest starring Cam’s issues with never feeling good enough and feeling like everyone can do better than him, THANKS A LOT FOR THOSE EDMUND, you total fucking jackass.)

 

** 5\. tainted love — marilyn manson. **  
_Now I know  
I’ve got to run away  
I’ve got to get away  
You don’t really want  
any more from me  
To make things right  
You need someone to hold you tight  
and you think love is to pray  
I’m sorry I don’t pray that way  
  
Once I ran to you.  
Now I’ll run from you.  
This tainted love you’ve given  
I give you all a boy could give you  
Take my tears and that’s not nearly all._

(I’m pretty sure that this song was secretly actually about Derek Hale, just… not really since it was written in 1964. but that being said: it’s kind of Cam/Derek, since it’s mostly Cam to/about Derek but then on the other hand, Derek would totally say the same thing back to Camden and he wouldn’t even really be entirely wrong in doing that because… well, I mean. Cam’s not perfect here, either. and Cam is equally guilty of periodically [read: often] using their relationship as a way of getting away from his problems instead of dealing with them like an adult [lol what is dealing with your problems like an adult, Derek and Cam have no idea what that means, do you put it on salad or something?]

and Cam is really just as guilty as Derek of ignoring the whole, “relationships are mutual and involve more than one person” thing in order to get what he wants in any given moment, so… yeah? this can go both ways here? it’s just… the song is still way,  **way**  more Cam to Derek because maybe they’ve both done the thing and to similar extents but it’s a much more pervasive pattern with Derek. and sure, they both do have genuine love for each other and genuine feelings for each other but that’s sort of buried under how both of them are emotional fuck ups with intimacy issues who generally prefer to solve their problems by putting their fingers in their ears and their tongues in each other’s mouths rather than actually dealing with the problems.)

 

** 6\. sorry seems to be the hardest word — elton john. **  
_What have I got to do to make you love me  
What have I got to do to make you care  
What do I do when lightning strikes me  
And I wake to find that you’re not there  
  
What do I do to make you want me  
What have I got to do to be heard  
What do I say when it’s all over  
And sorry seems to be the hardest word  
  
It’s sad, so sad. It’s a sad, sad situation.  
And it’s getting more and more absurd.  
It’s sad, so sad. Why can’t we talk it over?_

(Derek to/about Cam. and here we see the wild Derek Jeremiah Hale in his natural habitat, completely refusing to accept any damn responsibility for his actions even when he’s really fucked up. like, just a thought, werewolf disaster? but maybe you shouldn’t break your boyfriend’s little brother’s arm because you thought that Isaac was “getting mouthy” with you or whatever the fuck is going through your wormy little mind.

and maybe you really  **REALLY**  shouldn’t try to justify having done this to Cam by saying that Isaac was getting mouthy and you really just had his best interests in mind when you know full fucking well that Edmund, may satan take him, used to say the same shit to justify getting physical with Cam and Isaac both, and said it to justify locking Isaac in a freezer while Cam was off in the service. just a thought, bb. because I have your best interests at heart and all that.

I mean, at the very least, you should  **apologize for breaking Isaac’s arm** , among other things you’ve put him and Cam through, instead of acting like you didn’t do anything wrong ever but I realize that discussing this with you is kind of like talking to a brick wall so… whatever.)

 

** 7\. one of us cannot be wrong — leonard cohen. **  
_I showed my heart to the doctor.  
He said I’d just have to quit  
Then he wrote himself a prescription,  
and your name was mentioned in it  
Then he locked himself in a library shelf  
with the details of our honeymoon  
And I hear from the nurse  
that he’s gotten much worse  
and his practice is all in a ruin_

(Cam to/about Derek. this is one of my favorite “terrible relationship kinda sorta breakup but you’re still trying to hold on to the relationship anyway because it’s bad and you know you need to get out and everything says you need to get out but you still love the person you need to break up with but you’re still breaking up with them but also kind of not and just everything fucking sucks about this whole situation” songs ever. Leonard Cohen is amazing and I love him. the lyrics in this particular song don’t always make a lot of logical sense but… whatever, babes, it’s poetry to music, just let it wash over you, okay.)

 

** 8\. feel it in my bones — tiesto & tegan and sara. **  
_Left hook, I didn’t see it coming.  
Left hook, you’ve got dead aim.  
Rushes out. Run away.  
Rushes out. You always run away.  
  
What rushes in to my heart and my skull,  
I can’t control. Think about it, feel it in my bones.  
What rushes in to my heart and my skull, I can’t control.  
  
I feel you in my bones.  
You’re knocking at my window.  
You’re slowly letting me go,  
and I know this feeling oh so,  
this feeling in my bones._

(Derek to/about Cam, and strictly speaking, I’m pretty sure that Tiesto, Tegan, and Sara meant the, “left hook, I didn’t see it coming” lyrics metaphorically but… this mix does not. this mix absolutely does not. in this context, they are a very literal reference to Cam punching Derek in the fucking mouth and to Derek being completely taken aback that not only does Cam have perfect aim but he also knows how to make it  **hurt like fucking hell**.

all things considered, this has probably happened after Derek’s just used his mouth to spew some more fucking awful justifications for why he was totally right to break Isaac’s arm, or why it’s secretly okay that he follows Scott everywhere and gets physical with him when Scott is clearly uncomfortable with this, or why it was actually okay for Derek to tell Lydia that she wouldn’t be suffering right now if she hadn’t tried to fight back and get Peter prosecuted, or why it was totally cool that he beat Stiles’s face into a steering wheel…

and like? Cam doesn’t even  **like**  Stiles, okay, Derek? Cam full on hates the Sheriff for what the Sheriff did to Isaac [y’know, what with tossing Isaac in a holding cell without getting him counsel or a legal guardian even though he was a minor so the Sheriff was required _by law_ to do this, and with doing all of this based on the suspicion that Isaac killed Edmund which the Sheriff had because he found out that Edmund had been abusing Isaac which looks like a sizable motive especially when you consider the huge inheritance that Cam and Isaac got when Edmund was dead, and with how the Sheriff, in trying to play “good cop” and use a soft touch to get a confession out of Isaac, told Isaac about how his and Cam’s mother committed suicide because he assumed that Isaac just knew that already when he didn’t… yeah no, Cam hates the Sheriff kind of a lot].

he hates the Sheriff even more for what he said to Jackson about how, “the kids getting beat up are always the ones who least deserve it” which implies that some kids  **deserve to be abused** , which is just…  **no??**  and like, yes, on top of this, Cam finds Stiles himself super irritating especially based on how he treats and talks to Isaac, but like… you just  **do not slam people’s faces into fucking _steering wheels_ , Derek**. jesus christ why does this even need to be  **said**.

…also, just saying here, werewolf disaster, but… maybe you shouldn’t be surprised by your boyfriend knowing how to punch you in a way that actually hurts when he was literally trained to effectively kill people by the U.S. military. just a thought, babe. I know critical thinking isn’t always your forte so i’m just trying to help.)

 

** 9\. somebody that I used to know — ingrid michaelson. **  
_You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness  
Like resignation to the end, always the end  
So when we found that we could not make sense  
Well you said that we would still be friends  
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over…  
  
Now and then I think of  
all the times you screwed me over  
But had me believing it was  
always something that I’d done  
But I don’t wanna live that way  
Reading into every word you say  
You said that you could let it go  
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on  
somebody that you used to know  
  
But you didn’t have to cut me off  
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing  
And I don’t even need your love  
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough  
No, you didn’t have to stoop so low  
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number  
I guess that I don’t need that though:  
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know._

(Derek and Cam, to each other. the verses are more Cam while the chorus is more Derek, and I waffled a lot about which version of the song to use because the Gotye/Kimbra version or the Darren Criss/Matt Bomer version would have been a duet and would thus more accurately reflect the fact that it’s really a back and forth between Cam and Derek… but then the way that the verses and choruses are divvied up in those versions didn’t line up with what I wanted here and Ingrid Michaelson’s version felt more musically appropriate so… we’re just going to pretend that it sounds like a duet okay?)

 

** 10\. need you now — lea michele & mark salling. **  
_Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.  
Reaching for the phone ‘cause I can’t fight it anymore.  
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?  
For me it happens all the time.  
  
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.  
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now.  
And I don’t know how I can do without. I just need you now.  
  
Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.  
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.  
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?  
For me it happens all the time.  
  
It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now.  
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now.  
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.  
Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all._

(Derek and Cam, to each other. and in this case, I really mostly went with the Glee cast version over the original based on self-indulgent personal preference because I like Mark Salling’s and Lea Michele’s voices more than Hillary Scott’s and Charles Kelley’s. the significance and emotional resonance and the whole push and pull of not wanting to get back into a relationship but also not wanting to let it go and doing self-indulgent things that are also self-destructive would be the same either way, so.)

 

** 11\. diamonds and rust — blackmore’s night. **  
_Well I’ll be damned  
Here comes your ghost again  
But that’s not unusual  
It’s just that the moon is full  
And you happened to call…  
As I remember your eyes  
Were bluer than robin’s eggs  
My poetry was lousy you said  
Where are you calling from?…  
We both know what memories can bring  
They bring diamonds and rust…  
  
Now I see you standing  
With brown leaves falling around  
And snow in your hair  
Now you’re smiling out the window  
Of that crummy hotel  
Over Washington Square  
Our breath comes out white clouds  
Mingles and hangs in the air  
Speaking strictly for me?  
We both could have died then and there  
  
Now you’re telling me  
You’re not nostalgic  
Well, then give me another word for it  
You, who are so good with words  
And at keeping things vague  
Because I need some of that vagueness  
Now it’s all come back too clearly:  
Yes, I loved you dearly,  
and if you’re offering me diamonds and rust?  
I’ve already paid._

(Cam to/about Derek. uh… Joan Baez originally wrote this song about her relationship with Bob Dylan which was pretty fucked up and sad all around and he was a jackass but that’s sort of just how Bob Dylan does things a lot of the time regardless. anyway, here it is, one of my most very favorite, “I love you but I hate you for reminding me that I love you because loving you hurts like Hell and also you have a lot of good qualities but you can seriously be kind of the worst sometimes” songs ever.)

 

** 12\. tragedy — the bee gees. **  
_Night and day, there’s a  
burning down inside of me  
Burning love, with a  
yearning that won’t let me be  
Down I go and I just can’t take it all alone  
I really should be holding you,  
holding you, loving you, loving you.  
  
Tragedy: when the feeling’s gone  
and you can’t go on  
It’s tragedy: when the morning cries  
and you don’t know why  
It’s hard to bear  
with no one to love you  
you’re going nowhere  
  
Tragedy: when you lose control  
and you got no soul  
It’s tragedy: when the morning cries  
and you don’t know why  
It’s hard to bear  
with no one beside you,  
you’re going nowhere._

(Derek to/about Cam. …it’s always sort of fun for me when you have a song that’s actually really depressing but you can’t tell at a first glance because it’s really energetic and dancey, musically? “tragedy” is one of those songs and yeah, it’s totally Derek going, “but baby, we’re so good together, why do we have to be broken up, I don’t like this.”)

 

** 13\. the chemicals between us — bush. **  
_I want you to remember  
A love so full it could send us all ways  
I want you to surrender  
All my feelings rose today  
And I want you to remain  
The power of children can amaze  
I’ll try not to complain  
I know that’s a pisser, baby…  
  
I want you to remember  
Everything you said  
Every driven word  
Like a hammer, hell, to my head  
  
The chemicals between us  
The walls that lie between us  
Lying in this bed  
The chemicals displaced  
There is no lonelier place  
Than lying in this bed._

(Derek to/about Cam. I have no idea if Gavin Rossdale wrote this song about Gwen StefanI or not, but I do know that it is also Derek going, “but baby, I know it wasn’t always perfect but why do we have to be broken up, can’t we try  **not**  being broken up instead, I like that idea a lot more.” also, it’s probably really good background music for Cam and Derek hooking up even though they’re supposed to be super broken up and this is a patently terrible and mutually self-destructive idea.)

 

** 14\. everybody knows — leonard cohen. **  
_Everybody knows that the boat is leaking  
Everybody knows that the captain lied  
Everybody got this broken feeling  
Like their father or their dog just died  
Everybody talking to their pockets  
Everybody wants a box of chocolates  
And a long stem rose: everybody knows.  
  
Everybody knows that you love me baby  
Everybody knows that you really do  
Everybody knows that you’ve been faithful  
Ah, give or take a night or two…  
And everybody knows that it’s now or never  
Everybody knows that it’s me or you  
And everybody knows that you live forever  
Ah when you’ve done a line or two  
Everybody knows the deal is rotten…  
  
And everybody knows that you’re in trouble  
Everybody knows what you’ve been through  
From the bloody cross on top of  
Calvary to the beach of Malibu  
Everybody knows it’s coming apart  
Take one last look at this Sacred Heart  
Before it blows and everybody knows_

(Cam to/about Derek. in particular, I’d single out the, “everybody knows that you’re in trouble / everybody knows what you’ve been through” segment here because the whole song really fits and the whole quoted segment does as well but at the same time? that particular verse is really very meaningful in a Derek-related context because of how… yes. Derek has issues. everybody knows that Derek has issues. literally everyone can see this even if they don’t exactly know what said issues are… they just don’t think that Derek gets a free pass on his myriad shit behavior patterns because of his issues.

explanations, yes. there are explanations for why Derek is the way that he is and why he does the things that he does. but excuses for his behavior? and exemptions from being held accountable for it? …nah, not so much, Derek. do not pass go, do not collect $200. especially not with Cam because, uh… those kinds of excuses have literally been spouted from Edmund’s mouth to justify what he did to Cam and Isaac so yeah… how about no.)

 

** 15\. rolling in the deep — lea michele & jonathan groff. **  
_Baby, I have no story to be told  
But I’ve heard one on you  
And I’m gonna make your head burn  
Think of me in the depths of your despair  
Make a home down there  
as mine sure won’t be shared.  
  
The scars of your love remind me of us  
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all.  
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless.  
  
I can’t help feeling:  
we could have had it all  
rolling in the deep.  
you had my heart inside of your hand  
and you played it to the beat._

(Cam to/about Derek. in this case, I picked the Glee cast duet version because… ultimately, the song is very much Cam to Derek and not both of them to each other, for me, because when Cam makes his attempts to end things with Derek, his reasons are all things like, “no seriously: you are a fuck up in so many ways, your occasionally good intentions do not make up for this even a little bit, go and be miserable somewhere else because I can’t keep up with your self-loathing and your acting out and lashing out against everyone ever anymore”…

but that doesn’t mean that Derek wouldn’t earnestly express some of the sentiments in the song to Cam [especially things like, “the scars of your love, they leave me breathless, I can’t help feeling: we could’ve had it all” which yeah, Derek does feel very deeply about this relationship]. and it  _definitely_  doesn’t mean that Derek might not fling some of the more vitriolic sentiments in the song at Cam in a petulant and wounded attempt to hurt him back. and I like that the duet version reflects this, and well… I have a few reasons for picking the Glee cast version specifically:

1\. it’s Lea Michele and Jonathan Groff singing it and i’m really fond of both of their voices, individually and together, and I have been since  _Spring Awakening_ ; 2. in character in the Glee context, it’s Rachel Berry and Jesse St. James singing to each other and St. Berry used to be my favorite/sometimes only het ship for Rachel and my only het ship for Jesse and sometimes I’m still sad about them even though any lingering Glee feels I have are either angry or reserved pretty exclusively for Santana, Mercedes, Lauren, Kurt, and Tina;

3\. in the Glee context, Rachel and Jesse did both do wrong by each other when they reunite and sing this duet but… Jesse still did more wrong here than Rachel did, which I think is a nice reflection of how… yeah, Cam and Derek both did wrong by each other here, but ultimately, Derek is kind of more wrong for things like breaking Isaac’s arm and accepting no responsibility for it, among other shit; and 4. the duet format of the song is just a really interesting take on it to me since the Adele version and the lyrics are so fixated on one person’s perspective, which is understandable given the context in which she wrote it but also sort of iffy for me because… relationships?? are not just about one person?? so I mean really??)

 

** 16\. all apologies — nirvana. **  
_What else should I write?  
I don’t have the right  
What else should I be?  
All apologies…  
  
I wish I was like you:  
Easily amused.  
Find my nest of salt  
Everything’s my fault  
I’ll take all the blame  
Aqua sea-foam shame  
Sunburn with freezer burn  
Choking on the ashes of her enemy._

(Derek to Cam, sort of with Derek going like, “look I know that my good intentions don’t mean shit to you but I tried and I have no idea how else to fucking  _be_ , okay. what else do you want from me. I’m sorry, for whatever that’s worth [just probably not in the way that you want me to be sorry because lol what is effective communication we just don’t know].” …I don’t think there’s really anything that I can add here, honestly.

I mean… I picked the unplugged version at Zani’s recommendation because it’s more emotionally raw and visceral than the album version off of  _In Utero_. Nirvana and Kurt Cobain are really important to me, and Derek being a Kurt Cobain fanboy is very important to me but in a more, “this is my headcanon and I know it makes no sense but please just let me have it” sort of way. it’s also a big reason why I put “come as you are” on [my McHaleinskI mix](http://amorremanet.tumblr.com/post/77680907539/you-dont-get-an-alibi-a-derek-scott-stiles) from forever ago. *shrugs*

and I’m not saying, “stoned, sad, lazy, angsty make-out sessions while they listen to the entire  _MTV Unplugged in New York_  album, give or take  _In Utero_  plus maybe some Pearl Jam and Hole’s  _Pretty On The Inside_  and  _Live Through This_  because Cam is a secret Courtney Love and Melissa Auf der Maur fanboy and they compromise here by just listening to Hole  **and** Nirvana when they get stoned and make out”… but that’s exactly what i’m saying because I really like this idea tbh? and I really like the idea of this being one of the only ways that Cam and Derek are ever gentle with each other because it’s not that they don’t  **want**  to be gentle with each other, it’s that they’ve both been through  **so much**  that they’ve sort of forgotten how to do that with most people.

like, Cam is really only reliably gentle with Isaac and Erica [because she’s Isaac’s best friend and non-romantic soulmate person]. and he makes an effort to be okay about stuff with people like Scott and Lydia and Braeden and Cora and Boyd and Jackson because Isaac cares about them and they’ve all been through some shit of their own and Cam wants to do right by Isaac because Isaac’s his  **brother**  and maybe he isn’t the superhero idea of him that Isaac still has in his mind, but Isaac’s been through enough that Cam just doesn’t want to make it worse by being an abrasive dick to people Isaac cares about. but he’s not really a gentle person overall; he’s made up mostly of hard edges and emotional walls and a tendency to shove people away.

and Derek is very much the same way albeit for different reasons and with different people who he singles out for gentleness [with Derek’s people being… Cora, Laura, Scott but it takes him time to learn how to do that, Kira but mostly because she’s important to Scott, Braeden, and formerly Kate and Jennifer but that just… did not go well on either count and he’d probably still be gentle with Jennifer if they could get through a conversation without him thinking about how she left him to go back to Kali, but like… my default headcanon Derek love-hates Kate enough now that even in AUs where season two didn’t happen or went differently or something, he hates Allison by proxy because she reminds him so much of Kate].

and do Cam and Derek  **want**  to be gentle with each other and have a relationship where they’re less hugely dysfunctional and less perpetually pushing each other away and lashing out over things that most people would take as sweet and affectionate signs of love? yeah, they do… but that’s not going to happen for a lot of reasons, many of which involve Cam and Derek both being godawful stubborn jackasses and having no functional sense of how to handle their feelings like fucking adults. but I really really like this idea because it is sad and I am terrible.

…I really really  **don’t**  like the idea that I just had, which was basically Derek comparing his and Cam’s relationship to Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love’s relationship like this is a good thing… but I also don’t think it’s really out of character for Derek to overlook all the parts about mental health issues and drug addiction and relationship dysfunction and loving each other but still kind of being awful to and for each other at some points, and just focus on the part where Kurt and Courtney were so in love that it hurt. because Derek is kind of secretly a huge romantic but also not that great at really considering the reality of certain situations and romanticizing things that he really  **really**  shouldn’t.

…uh. lol, “I don’t have that much to add here.” uh. I have nothing to say for myself here, really? just… Nirvana and Hole were kinda two of my favorite bands in high school and I got very autistic spectrum special interests into them and they’re still really important to me for reasons so here we are.)

 

** 17\. love will tear us apart — evelyn evelyn. **  
_Why is the bedroom so cold?  
You’ve turned away on your side.  
Is my timing that flawed?  
Our respect run so dry?  
Yet there’s still this appeal  
That we’ve kept through our lives.…  
  
You cry out in your sleep,  
All my failings exposed.  
And there’s a taste in my mouth,  
As desperation takes hold.  
Just that something so good  
Just can’t function no more.  
  
But love, love will tear us apart again.  
Love, love will tear us apart again._

(Derek and Cam, to each other.)

 

** 18\. find you’re gone — wolfsheim. **  
_When I wake up I find you’re gone  
_ _There should be grief but I feel none  
_ _I’m trying to leave the night behind  
_ _I hardly get my thoughts in line  
_ _But there is one thing I could say  
_ _It seems I’m glad, I find you’re gone…_

_You know it’s wrong, you know the way  
But do you really want to stay?  
A sudden thought, a thing to mind  
It would be only wasting time  
No matter how hard you will try  
It’s just a feeling passing by._

(Derek and Cam, to/about each other, but more Derek to/about Cam, really. I definitely picked this song to complement “find you’re here” above, since “find you’re here” is actually a remix version of this song, but even more than that… I read this song in this context as Derek being kind of like, “so I guess it’s for real and he’s really gone and there is no more Cam/Derek anymore, and I should be upset about this but I mostly just feel kind of emotionally numb.”

but it does also work as Cam, after he and Derek are broken up for real this time, insisting that he doesn’t still have feelings for Derek and in fact never had  **any**  feelings for Derek because it was really just him using Derek for sex, and continuing to insist on this even though it’s a giant fucking pack of lies and everyone knows it. …did I mention that Cam and Derek epic fucking fail at handling their feelings like freaking adults? because they do, and that’s kind of important.)

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to Astrid and Zani because the former made me have these freaking Camden and Cam/Derek feels in the first place, and the latter very indulgently listens to me when I start babbling feels at her.
> 
> incidentally: if you look really closely at the cover art, you can see the exact moment when I just gave up on it.


End file.
